I Write For Me, Now
I was so done.
Absolutely and completely done.
Honestly, I never thought I'd see the day,
when I'd become so sick of Facebook,
(Crackbook, as my husband calls it)
that I would quit it.
But I did.
For a week.....
Look, you guys......
This is a big deal for me.
Quitting Facebook is haaaaarrrrrrd!
It's been a week.
There will be more weeks to come.
I'm not entirely sure how long I will quit for.
I guess I'll see how it goes.
And while some of you could take it or leave it,
(Honestly, who are we kidding here....
I'd bet a large portion of you are not much different than me...)
I was addicted.
(Crackbook, I tell you!)
I'll be honest,
My husband had questioned me about the amount of time I spent on Facebook often, this past year,
but, it went in one ear and out the other.
As far as I was concerned, there was no problem.
It was just what I did in my spare time.
I had no issues with it.
Until last Wednesday.
That's when it all fell apart on me.
Or, to be more precise, when I fell apart.
I sat in my living room late, last Wednesday night.
I couldn't sleep.
So, obviously, I was scrolling through Crackbook.
You know, to see what had changed in the last hour and a half since I looked at it before I went bed and discovered that I couldn't sleep.
(Lots of things can change in an hour and a half, you know!)
But mostly, I was checking to see who had commented on, or liked, or shared, my latest post.
Not one, single, stupid person.
(Look you guys, please don't take offence to this. Obviously, if you and I are friends on Facebook, you were one of the people who didn't comment on, like or share my last post, so I totally understand how you could feel like I'm calling you stupid, but, please know, you are not stupid. I don't actually think you are stupid. I was just so FRUSTRATED that NOT ONE PERSON commented on, liked or shared my last post, that I sort of lashed out at everyone, in my mind. I'm very sorry. You are not stupid.)
All I could think about was,
"I quit everything!"
"I quit caring what everybody thinks. I quit Facebook! I quit blogging! No-one reads, or gives a #@$% what I write, anyway. This is stupid. I'm stupid! And I don't want to do it anymore. I should just keep my own stupid thoughts, to my own stupid self, and quit. It's garbage, obviously. So, I quit."
But, this is the absolute truth.
I sat there, late Wednesday night, in my favorite chair,
and I was, honestly, embarrassingly, devastated.
Here's the thing.
I tried really hard, to start and write a blog that would,
I don't know, maybe let people see into my heart a little,
in some way,
my stories, and my struggles, could inspire others…….
could inspire you.
And I failed.
So, I quit.
I went to bed feeling beaten.
And I laid there,
still unable to sleep.
My heart hurt.
And then this thought pierced my mind.
"What if you just blogged for you?"
'What if you "quit" trying to impress everyone else with your writing, and you just write because you love to?"
It really bothered me,
how much my lack of approval on social media,
It made me feel very immature, insecure, and very vulnerable.
I hated it.
I wrestled with the stupidness of it.
And, I had lots of time to wrestle, being that I was no longer spending my time aimlessly scrolling through Facebook.
I didn't like it.
Not at all.
But, in the end, I did figure a few things out about myself.
According to Dr, Gary Chapman, there are five love languages.
(Re: his book, The Five Love Languages.)
1. Physical touch
2. Gift giving
3. Acts of service
4. Quality time
5. Words of affirmation
My primary love language is "Words of affirmation".
You see, I didn't realize it at the time;
I originally chocked up my need for social media approval as trifiling;
but, in essence, I was looking for affirmation.
To put it bluntly, I was seeking to feel love from Facebook.
It stings as I admit this to myself.
And, it's embarrassing to write this in a public setting for you to read.
What will you think of me?
Will you think I'm silly?
(But, I'm writing for me now. So, I write this for me.)
And, perhaps I am all of those things.
Silly, immature and ridiculous.
But I don't think so.
We, as human beings, need to feel loved,
to feel valued.
We need to belong.
We need to be in community.
I need these things.
And that is what I was looking to find in Facebook.
Please understand this.
I am a much loved,
wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.
I get affirmation.
I am not neglected in any way!
But, you see,
I had opened myself up to,
what I am now realizing,
was a false sense of community through Facebook.
Somehow, my aimless scrolling through people's staged posts about the best parts of their lives……..
the great things their kids have accomplished,
the fantastic suppers they've cooked,
their accomplishments at the gym,
the great family game night they just had,
the new car,
or new boyfriend they have,
the new promotion at work,
the new blog they've started,
and perhaps, occasionally, a struggle their facing,
(I'm not judging anyone. I am that person……)
made me feel like I was connecting with them.
It made me feel, in a way, like I was a part of their lives.
But, it was false.
It was not real.
It was staged.
I was staged.
And looking for affirmation through it.
And exactly "un-affirming."
I sat with a couple of friends at lunch yesterday.
I spilled my guts to them over a baked potato and garlic shrimp.
They were able to look me in the eye.
They were able to nod their heads in agreement.
They were able to hear, not just my words, but my heart.
They were able to offer their own thoughts,
and share their own struggles.
We laughed loud and long!
We talked about dancing. (I'll leave that where it is, girls!)
And we connected.
We were in community.
Real, honest to goodness, community.
And you know?
I received affirmation.
They may not know that's what they were doing,
but they were.
I no longer feel the desire,
to find approval on Facebook.
Actually, I don't really even have the desire to look at it.
I'll be honest……
I sometimes habitually pick up my i-pad to open Facebook,
but, I am very quickly reminded that I don't need to see what's on there.
I actually feel so much more at peace with myself, not looking at it.
(Plus, it's a major bonus not seeing all the controversy about Trudeau, or Trump….)
[Incidentally, I would have voted for Trump if I had lived in the States. I can say this now, because I am not looking at Facebook, so I will not have see how many of you disagree with me, or would perhaps ridicule me for saying that!] ;)
I think I like myself better since I've quit Facebook for a while.
That is obviously, a good thing!
If you're reading this,
you've obviously been directed here through Facebook.
You are probably wondering,
"How can you have quit Facebook if you are posting here?"
Well, I can actually share to my Barefoot Warrior page from my blog without even opening Facebook.
And while I had originally intended not to post anything to Facebook,
because I wanted to avoid the temptation of compulsively checking for reactions,
and because I am writing for me now,
I've had a few people tell me that I should…….
that they enjoy reading what I write.
So, I'm posting to Facebook.
But, I will not allow myself to be consumed with the amount of comments, likes or shares I get.
I won't even check them.
I write for me, now.
If you're reading this,
then I guess I write for you, too.
I hope you like what I write…..
I really do.
But if you don't,
well, I'm good with that, too.
My writing is not for everybody.
I write for me, now.