So God starts to breathe into you,
expanding your heart,
making room for the love that He is pouring in there.......
That's the beginning of the rendering process.
So then you start walking around with your heart going through this crazy, strange, beautiful, painful process.
Sometimes it's just so good, you know?
There is nothing I want more than the kind of love that fills my heart up so much that it pushes against the seams, and seeps out and spills onto everyone I meet. I want this Love to explode from me so that everyone I come in contact with cannot help but get caught in the crossfire...... the crossfire of God's love and grace and hope and forgiveness. I want the kind of extravagant love that builds and grows and bursts from my heart, even if it breaks my heart, so that others can see and experience this life-changing, perfect Love, too.
he is tender, and she feels things deeply. She wears her heart on her sleeve. And yet, she is afraid of vulnerability; afraid to be seen for who she really is.
She has been hurt. That deep kind of soul wrenching hurt, that nearly breaks you in two. But thankfully,
She knows how to forgive. She is good at forgiveness. She has been given lots of opportunity to practice it. But more than that even, she knows that she herself has been forgiven. Forgiven of much. Forgiven of everything. And because of this,
Love, you see, is not measured by length of time. Nor is it limited to family and friends. It transcends all barriers and strongholds, and love cannot be bound anymore than the stars in the endless sky, could be. Love cannot be explained but for this one thing. Love exists because, God exists. My love for K will remain, because it was the Lord God Himself who opened my heart to loving K in the first place.
This love I have for K is beautiful, but it is also difficult. It is just so painful to watch someone you love choose to walk a path that can only bring sorrow and devastation. And I wonder if perhaps this is what it is like for God to love us.
I really need to leave, but I am having a hard time pulling myself away. I ask if I can hug him. He says yes, and I pull him into an embrace. His sweat mixed with the lingering smell of alcohol on an unwashed body, is like a fragrance to me and I think, 'this is what love smells like.' I remind him of his worth; and of his value, and that he is loved. And then I tell him,
"I love you, K."
And, I think he believes me.
The warrior is someone who says:
'This is what I love. This is what I hold dear. This is my family. This is my country. This is my faith. And this is what threatens it. This is the enemy. You will not hurt what I hold dear. You will not hurt what I love, without coming through me.'
I sat on my living room couch and screamed at God.
Screamed, I tell you.
A large part of me felt very much like I was breaking the rules,
(You know, the "Good Christian girls do not scream at the God of the Universe" rules.)
but, in those moments, I was beyond caring.
He had let me down.
In a big way, God had let me down,
and I was angry.
Each of us are uniquely woven together. Each of us with a story to tell. Some, more exquisite than others. Some, more broken than others. But each of them, significant. Each of them, with the ability to speak life into someone else.
"Sometimes the gravity of my responsibility to pray for my children, feels like an anvil around my neck. It is a heavy burden that I feel unequipped to carry. Often times, I wonder if, because of my inconsistent prayers on their behalf, I am hindering the work of the Lord in their lives."
This was, for years, an un-verbalized and, un-solidified, thought floating around in the back of my brain. It was always obscure; never interpreted into words. It was always, nothing more than a formless idea, laden with guilt. I usually kept it tucked away, hidden in a safe place, where I wouldn't...
While you've not felt this pain in your own life,
Maybe not the exact pain, in the exact way I was feeling it,
but you understood that I was feeling pain.
I know you understood, because you looked me in the eye,
and I saw you, see me.